Hi Cathy, my step-daughter (aged 3) came to live with us recently and she is taken out by her biological Nan once a week. She always comes back with expensive gifts which she shows to my son. This upsets me as I can not do the same for him every week as we’re a low income family.
CG: Dear Alison, foster carers are often put in the same position in respect of gifts and their own children and foster children. Natural families who are not parenting their child or children can sometimes feel guilty and over-compensate by buying expensive presents and rarely disciplining the child. This is especially difficult when the family, like yours, has other children who receive a normal amount of gifts, attention and discipline. Have you tried talking to your step-daughter’s Nan about this? If not I suggest that is the first step. You could say that not only is it causing a problem in your household but also her granddaughter is coming to view her (Nan) as the provider of gifts which is detracting from the true relationship she should be having with her. I have had to say something similar to the parents of children I’ve fostered. When the parents/grandparents realize that showering the child with gifts and giving in to all their demands is not helping their relationship they often cooperate. No one wants to be seen simply as the provider of material possessions. Talk it over with your partner and see if you can approach Nan. Let me know how you get on please. Cathy.